So Now You Look At Me
by XSerendipity92X
Summary: She was mommy then and now she was nobody to him and that had hurt more than anything. More tears started to stream down her cheeks and she didn't even bother wiping them away as the question kept flashing in her mind. Why am I alive? One Shot Regina/Henry Requested by impureevilregal Formally titled - "Why Am I Alive?"


**impureevilregal - Sorry it took so long. It was a tough one to write lol I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think :)**

**If anyone else would like to request a one shot let me know! Also to all my "She's Falling From Grace" readers, I don't think I'll be updating till next week because of the mountain of HW I've been putting off. I'm really sorry and I'll try to update sooner.**

**I started writing this before "The Miller's Daughter" aired so in this fic let's just say Regina sided with good at the last minute before Cora could kill Gold and killed her mother with her magic. I know it's similer to what happened in the episode but Regina's intentions were different. Here, she decided to do the right thing and save everyone and intentionally killed her mother to stop her instead of by accidently killing her like in the show.**

**Disclaimers - I don't own anything!**

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One Shot – So Now You Look At Me(Formally titled "Why Am I Alive?")

Setting - This takes place after "The Miller's Daughter" 2x16

It was the night of Cora's downfall and Regina could still remember the look in her eyes as she blasted her with magic before she can kill Gold. She had done it for Henry… for the whole town. She had killed her mother and sided with good at the last minute before Cora could become the dark one. The look of anger and betrayal had reflected in her mother's eyes before she had taken her last breath and after that Regina didn't feel anything. She should've been distraught… she should have felt something. Her mother was dead and by her own hands but all she felt as she fell to her knees by her mother's body was numbness. She didn't even hear Snow calling her name in a concern that she didn't even deserve or the feel of Emma's hands pulling her up from the floor. After she killed her mother everything was just a blur of dark fuzzy nothingness that ate away at her soul. Now here she was standing in front of her bathroom mirror. It was late into the night and all she saw in the reflection of the mirror was her mother's cold angry eyes.

_Why…_

That was the only thing that had crossed her mind. Why… Why did her life have to be one sick cruel joke to the universe? Why couldn't she just be happy? Why did she have to be the one to kill her mother? Why didn't her mother ever love her? Why didn't she get her happy ending? That's what her life has been like since she was born. Why… why… why…

A single tear streamed down her cheek as one last questioned crossed her mind. There's nothing left for her in this life. She was evil… a murderer… a loner… No one will ever forgive her even after she saved them from Cora. Henry was gone. He was the only thing left that kept her sane in this world. She had her chance for redemption with him and she blew it. Now she had lost him and he was never going to love her like he did when he was younger… before he saw her as the evil queen. She was mommy then and now she was nobody to him and that had hurt more than anything. More tears started to stream down her cheeks and she didn't even bother wiping them away as the question kept flashing in her mind.

_Why am I alive?_

She grabbed the bottle of wine from the counter that she had brought up with her and didn't even bother pouring it into her glass. She took a drink from the bottle, making herself feel even more numb than she already felt if that was even possible. She knew what she had to do. It was going to hurt but then she'll be at peace and the hurting… the constant pain she felt every damn day of her life would be gone. Besides no would care if she was gone. In her mind, she assumed they would celebrate. She opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed whatever pills she could find. She held the small solid capsules in her hand as if she were contemplating if this was really the best choice. She was so lost in her world of pain and grief that she didn't even hear her cell ringing in the distance. It's for the best, there was no going back now and before she could change her mind she swallowed the pills and downed them with alcohol. She swallowed more and took another drink and she right away started to feel the effects. She became dizzy and was rapidly losing her balance as she started to lose consciousness. Everything was a blur as she sank to the ground, lying on the cold hard floor. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and the phone was still ringing in the background but she just didn't care anymore. She wanted the pain to stop. She wanted to be free… that was all she ever wanted. She didn't even fight it as she felt the drugs and alcohol attacking her body, she welcomed it and before she knew it she was surrounded by darkness.

* * *

Henry had been worried that night. Emma told him what happened and how Regina saved them all in the last minute. He wanted to talk to her, to tell her he was proud that she chose to be good in the end. But as each ring passed he grew more worried by the second. She always answered his calls regardless of how angry he was at her. After what seemed to be the millionth call he gave up and ran downstairs to Emma and his grandparents.

"Mom there's something wrong. Regina isn't answering and she always answers my calls."

"It's late… maybe she's asleep," Snow suggested before taking a sip of her hot chocolate. She, Emma, and Charming were all in the kitchen talking about the day's events. Snow stood, facing Charming and Emma who sat at the other side of the counter with their own steaming mugs. Emma didn't take her eyes off of Henry once and she can see in his face that he felt that something was wrong.

"No Henry's right," she said, facing her parents. "She was far from ok when she teleported out of Gold's office. I'm going to go check on her." She could still remember the devastation on Regina's face the moment her mother's body fell to the floor. She could remember Regina falling to her knees… her face expressionless. She didn't even seem to hear Snow calling her as she took in the sight of her dead mother. It wasn't until Emma pulled her up that she snapped out of it and disappeared in a cloud of purple.

"What if she doesn't want to see anyone…what if she hurts you," Snow protested, her eyes full of worry and Emma couldn't blame her after everything that's happened today.

"She won't. I'm just going to see if she's ok," Emma said reassuringly as she pulled on her boots and jacket.

"Can I come… please," Henry asked, looking up at her with hopeful eyes. She couldn't say no.

"Sure, get your jacket on," she said softly.

* * *

Emma drove as quickly as she can without breaking the speed limit. They were at the mansion in less than a minute. On the way over Henry kept calling but there was still no answer and Emma really believed something was wrong. She could feel it which was why she made Henry wait in the living room.

"Regina!" she called out as she ran up the stairs. It was eerily quiet. She didn't even answer the door. They were lucky Henry still had his key so that they could let themselves in.

"Regina…" she said softly as she entered the bedroom. It was dark expect for the glow of the bathroom light. "Regina, are you in there?" she asked. There was still no answer and even though she was afraid of what she'll find, she pushed opened the door.

"Regina!" she cried out in panic as she rushed to her side. She was on the floor unconscious. She turned her on her back and pressed her ear to her chest. She was breathing but barely and she knew she needed to get her to the hospital right away. It was then that she noticed the empty bottle of wine on the counter and the empty bottle of pills on the floor.

"Dammit what the hell did you do," she whispered harshly as she grabbed her cell from her back pocket and called Whale at the same time glancing at the door in case Henry decided to come upstairs. She could only hope he would stay put. He didn't need to see his adoptive mother like this.

"Dr. Whale," he answered after the first ring.

"Whale, it's Emma. I found Regina passed out on her bathroom floor. I don't know what she was trying to do but I think she overdosed with drugs and alcohol."

"Is she breathing?" he asked and she can hear the lack of concern in his voice. Even if it made her beyond angry she didn't care. She needed to focus on Regina right now.

"Barely… Tell me what to do."

"You need to get her to throw it all up. I'm sending an ambulance now so if she wakes up don't let her close her eyes."

"Got it," she confirmed before hanging up. She put her cell down and with one last look at the door she sat Regina up and practically dragged her to the toilet. Regina wasn't that far gone because she groaned in discomfort though it was barely audible.

"It's ok; you're going to be ok." She forced her head back and put her fingers down her throat, making her throw up in the toilet. After the second time Regina had opened her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks as she leaned over the toilet. Her breaths were heavy and Emma could see how weak she was. She pulled her back to the wall and leaned against it with her back so that Regina was leaning against her. Her eyes were closed again and Emma knew she wasn't even fighting it.

"No Regina, stay awake," she said as she shook her but she didn't even make the effort to open her eyes. It was that moment when Henry decided to come in.

"Mom!" he cried out in fear as he took in the sight of Emma sitting on the floor with Regina sitting back against her. He ran over to them and got on his knees.

"Henry I told you to stay down stairs," Emma said trying to be stern but she didn't have the heart when his adoptive mother was lying half dead in her arms.

"What happened?" he asked, ignoring what she had said and taking Regina's cold limp hand. Emma hesitated, not knowing how to tell her eleven year old son that his mother had tried to commit suicide.

"She uh..." She trailed off when he spotted the empty pill container and glanced at the empty wine bottle before looking back Emma.

"She did this to herself… didn't she?" His eyes were wide with fear and she could see the unshed tears. There was no point in lying or sugarcoating it. It wouldn't get past Henry so she nodded not being able to say anything. Instead, Henry reached out and gently placed his hand on her cheek.

"Mom, wake up please," he said as Emma tried shaking her again.

"Come on Regina," Emma said determinedly. She lightly tapped her cheeks, trying to get her to come out of it.

"Fight it mom…for me," Henry whispered in her ear.

She felt like she was floating in nothingness. All Regina saw was darkness. All she felt was an icy cold feeling and the pain in her heart felt as if it were twenty times more painful. It wasn't until she heard those words that she started to feel warm. His touch made the pain fade and she suddenly wanted to be with him. She couldn't leave him. She tried to wake up… she tried to get back to her son… she tried so hard but she couldn't. The darkness…the effects of her overdose were holding her down and all she could do was listen to Henry's voice fading further and further away until she heard nothing but a deafening silence.

* * *

The next time she came back to consciousness she was still trapped in the same darkness. She could hear the faint sounds of the monitors and she realized she was in the hospital but for some reason she just couldn't wake up. She then felt a presence in the room and she knew it had to be Henry. He was holding her hand and had chosen that exact moment to talk to her.

"We're finally alone. Emma went to go call grandma." He was silent for a while and she wondered how long it's been since they found her in her bathroom on the verge of death. At that thought she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Henry shouldn't have seen her in that state. What was she thinking that he'll be better off without her? He still needed her as much as she still needed him.

"I'm sorry." His voice was small and she didn't have to look at him to know he was on the verge of crying. "I know you did a lot of bad things but you were trying to change for me and I didn't believe in you when you needed it the most. I automatically believed you killed Archie without even giving you a chance. I shouldn't have been so mean to you. Emma's my mother and I love her but you'll always be my mom. I still need you mom, I love you." At those words, her heart was breaking and she fought the darkness holding her captive. He let go of her hand and she felt the bed shifting under his weight. He snuggled up against her and she could hear him crying softly as he put his arm around her, holding her tightly like he did when he was four and needed her to protect him from the monsters in the middle of the night.

"Don't leave me please." His voice was barely above a whisper through his tears and that was enough to pull her out of the darkness. His love… his words gave her strength and she realized how wrong it was to take her own life when Henry needed her. He was her reason to live… her reason to breathe and she wasn't going anywhere. She tried opening her eyes but she was still too weak and all she could do was weakly squeeze the small hand in hers. She felt his weight shifting again and she knew he was sitting up, looking at her face for any sign that she was awake.

"Mom?" he asked, his voice hopeful. She tried again, using his voice as the strength she needed. It seemed like a lifetime but really it was only a minute when her eyes opened just a slit and Henry's blurry tear stained face came into view. He was smiling through tears of relief and joy.

"Hen… Henry…" Her voice was as weak as she felt and barely above a whisper as he tightly embraced her.

"I was so scared," he said softly. She can feel his body shaking and she couldn't stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around him. She had hurt her baby and she had never felt so ashamed.

"I'm sorry Henry," she cried. "I'm so sorry." He sat up at those words and lovingly wiped the tears from her cheeks before once again taking her hand.

"You came back," he whispered.

"I'll always come back for you." A small smile graced her lips as he snuggled up against her. She meant those words… She wasn't going anywhere because in this moment she was mommy again and Henry will always need her. It was wrong of her to think he hated her… to leave him behind and that was something she would never do again. He was her reason to live.


End file.
